sigh

Dear Joseph,

I dont mean to write to you every single week.This one's an anomaly.Just thought i'd let you know.

Sometimes i mess things up really badly.

It is in these moments that i'm tempted to count how many lives ive disappointed by my mistakes and the trail of destruction ive left behind.Wrongs that i dont know how to remedy.

It's quite depressing,and im left crying out to God for help.Im sinful for not going to church for almost two years by now,will God forgive me and starts to hear me back?

grace(lots of it needed)

I think i'll pen off for now.Hope you're getting along well.Waiting for your return!

.......

Yesterday I got so old
I felt like I could die
Yesterday I got so old
It made me want to cry
go on go on
just walk away
go on go on
your choice is made
go on go on
and disappear
go on go on
away from here

Realising...

The big part of me is still stuck in the past.In a time without worry,without stress,without people reading meaning into everything you do,or simply hating you for who they think you are.In a time when love was easier to come by.In a time it was just easier to smile.

you never realise it when you are young,but your childhood and your teenage years are the best years of your life.When the most important lessons are learnt.Lessons about love will dictate the way you behave,forever.I guess ive neglected love on younger days,was too preoccupied woth things that are not so important.....thinking about the crap about how people think of me..in the end i do get any answer,but time is waste。friendship during childhood days are unbreakable.they could be friends you will keep for the rest of your life.Friends for whom you would get on a plane to fly to their aid if ever they called you.

It seems like we are over the rainbow now.we are living the future now...like now we've become the people we always wanted to be when we were growing up.And yet we're not happy.

I fear

I've never been a competitive person.My grades are usually above average and sometimes even amongst the top.But I just lack this drive to be the very best,to be on the very top.I tend to strive away from attention.

Fear.of not being successful and fear of not getting what I want...

The very thought of this is already so distressful

I fear.

"Reason Why"-Rachael Yamagata

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still theut heads down

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

Now,i know..

When i was young,I was shy and weird.
Now im not shy and less-weird.
I no longer feels like an alien when surrounded by people,
especially friends.

When i first got my driving licence, I drove fast,
like a mad woman,
who vent her anger through the steering wheel.
Now i understand.
It was stupid and selfish.

When I was young,I didn't understand my parents.
Now i do,better understanding.

When i was young,all i wanted to do was to be madly loved by a guy.
Now i know.
There's a big difference between be loved by someone,and to love somebody.
The unconditional love can only happen in father-mother-daughter relationship....

When i was young,I wanted to be pretty or popular or be with cool friends/group.
Now i realise.
It's all pointless.
Nobody cares after you leave school or college.

When i was younger,
I was haunted by my own fear,
my own fear is (still) eating me..
fear wont go away,
now i know.
I choose to ignore,
and only to stay focus on what i can do.

When i was young,I appreciate the simple things.
Now,
the world can be as complex and i do understand but i still adore simplicity.

After so many days....
i still hear voices in my head....

why do all the ***** feels the same?
if i say i believe in love at first sight,im mocking the blind...
soul-mate or fairy-tale is officially dead,total rubbish,
although i find myself still believing it...

i can see what's coming but im not saying it.